The Principle of Requesting For a Reflection

Master communicators are well aware of this fact. Effective communicators are conscious of the reality. They are mindful of the fact that the message they send out is not always the message that's received.

To illustrate, sometime ago, my sister was about sending a young girl to go help her buy some stuffs, I also took that opportunity to ask the girl to help me buy a detergent, too. She returned with two detergents instead of one. She said I asked her to buy two. Obviously, she mistook my "too" to mean "two detergents."

Furthermore, master communicators are also acutely aware of the fact that a misunderstanding of the intended message could be disastrous. In fact, it could lead to deaths. That is why I have adapted one of Murphy's Laws to communication. Here is it...

Any message that can be misunderstood will be misunderstood. Of all the messages that can be misunderstood, the most important and crucial message will be misunderstood at the worst possible moment and will cause the greatest amount of damage.

So, what do master communicators do when they suspect or perceive that their intended message had not been accurately received? They clearly request for a reflection, they ask for a response to ascertain that the receiver understood the message.

First, they use verbal cues in the form of questions like:

* Is that clear?

* Did you understand me?

* Did you get the message?

These will illicit response such as "Yes." But sometimes, this kind of verbal cues and the yes response from the receiver isn't just enough to make you confident that your intended message was truly understood. This is when you ask for a reflection.

By asking for a reflection, you're asking the receiver to restate in his or her own words what they heard you say. This will then offer you the opportunity to correct any misunderstanding noticed in their reflection using clearer words to restate your message effectively.

Let's use the previous illustration as example:

"Mary, please help me get a detergent, too."

Sensing that my intended message was not accurately received, I would ask for a reflection, "Mary, please can you tell me what I asked you to buy for me?"

And let's assume Mary replied, "You say I should help you buy two pieces of detergents." This is a confirmation of my suspicion that my intended message was not truly received.

Now when people hear reflections that confirm their suspicion that their message was not accurately received, it's natural and common for them to respond in attacking style (especially in relationships) thus...

* "I knew it! You don't pay attention when I talk to you!!"

* "I knew you didn't understand me."

* "You're wrong! What were you thinking?"

Assertions like these are poor ways to communicate, it strangles communication. When you react this way, the other person may feel guilty or ashamed and you're not likely to illicit cooperation or get sincere response from a guilty person.

Conversely, master communicators don't react in such a non-flexible way. They take 100% responsibility for the result of their communication. They are very careful about the words they choose to use. Instead of judging, yelling, and labeling the other person, they are grateful for the feedback and would then go this way:

"John, thank you for letting me know what you heard. It is obvious I didn't make myself clear enough for you to understand. Let me give it another try."

Now, what if the other person reacts to your request for a reflection in a rude manner by making assertions like:

* "I heard you, I'm not deaf."

* "You think I'm a fool?"

* "Are you saying I'm stupid not to have understood you?"

What do you do?

First, as they say, prevention is better than cure. You can prevent this kind of reaction upfront before asking for a reflection by assuring the other person that you're not testing their intelligence or listening skills, but want to ensure you express your message clearly to avoid problems that could arise from misunderstanding your intended message.

But if it did happen that the other person reacts to your request for a reflection rudely or sarcastically, then you do what master communicators do -- listen to the needs behind their assertions and empathize.

For now, if you want to be an effective and master communicator, when you perceive that your intended message was not correctly received, ask for a reflection and restate your message using clearer words.

Always remember: any message that can be misunderstood will be misunderstood. And of all the messages that can be misunderstood, the most important and crucial message will be misunderstood at the worst possible moment and will cause the greatest amount of damage. You will succeed in your communications!