Dealing With Grief

Its been a little over a year now since my oldest sister's death and 17 years since my dad passed away. Death of a loved one is never easy to get through. I still grieve today over my dad's death to this day. Time definitely heals the pain but I do not think it ever really goes away completely.

Everyone grieves differently, I have noticed. Some people sink into deep depression for quite a spell, some totally immerse themselves in their work or hobby, and yet others find a new meaning to their lives and begin doing things they would have never thought about before. There is nothing wrong with any of those ways of dealing with grief except for deep depression. If you find yourself sinking into deep depression it is always best to seek professional help before it gets too out of control. Some depression is completely normal, usually cannot be side stepped. Its only when it begins to interfere with your daily responsibilities that it becomes a problem that needs attention.

When my dad died 17 years ago it was the first death in the family that I had ever experienced, besides the death of a great uncle when I was around 4 years old. When you are 4 years old you cannot grasp the meaning of death, so it was not anything majorly traumatic to me. What made it even more difficult was having issues in the father & daughter relationship that was never addressed. There was never the closure I yearned for. The thing I felt the best about was the letter I wrote to him while he was on his deathbed, with the encouragement of my therapist at the time. In the letter I wrote to him that I forgave him for what he had done (read "life after sexual abuse article on my blog") and that I still loved him, yet I let him also know of the pain and difficulty he had caused me in my adult life. I think writing this letter was very important as it released many hidden thoughts and emotions that had been locked up inside me for many years. Though I never heard the words "I am sorry" come from his mouth I had this sense that he really was sorry but just could not ever admit that he had ever committed this act because it was simply too painful to accept.

Today, the grief I still experience from his death has much to do with the feelings of sadness. Its another type of grief. It is a sadness about the things I felt I missed out on in childhood, the lack of a close relationship with my father. The memories I have of him are a mixed bag. Some are of how good of dad he was with making sure I had everything I needed such as food, clothing and shelter and not to mention extra luxuries. Other memories are made up of complete fear, worry and anxiety. Yet today, I still miss him greatly and have had many dreams of him being alive and well. He was a good person with an enormous giving heart who just so happened to have some really dark secrets from his past. I do not hold any resentments toward him for the pain he has caused me in my life, its just one of those many unfortunate things that can happen to anyone in life. He never broke the sick cycle of sexual abuse from his own childhood. That is a sad thought, but true. I feel fortunate that I am where I am today and have experienced the many traumatic things I have so that it helps me connect with others on a more personable level. It created more compassion in me for others and a genuine desire to help those that may be suffering things I have already healed from.

When my sister died a littler over a year ago, I had a very hard time grasping the reality of it. It triggered all kinds of emotions in me of the past. My sister was a natural born leader, took after our dad. Our relationship was somewhat close at times in our lives but drifted often. She struggled with the same issues involving sexual abuse as a child just as I did along with my other sister. She always felt a deep need to protect her siblings since she was the oldest. The effects of the abuse in her childhood created numerous problems later in her life that eventually ended her precious life too soon, along with numerous physical issues, which I believe all stem from the inability to overcome the effects of sexual abuse. This too, makes me feel really sad. I feel sad about how hard she tried to overcome all this and how much she truly loved her 5 children and her loving husband. She was only 55 years old and had so much love in her heart.

I think when you experience a death in the family, or even a close friend, that sitting down and doing nothing is the worst thing you can do. Get yourself involved with an activity you have always loved to do, get involved with a grief group with others who understand what you are going through and can offer support and encouragement, make new friends, get a new hobby, etc. Do not allow yourself to isolate. There are plenty of other people out there that have gone through the same thing and are more than willing to offer their support and are also looking for support themselves. By reaching out to others you will find you heal much quicker.

I have heard of some people that actually decide to have a celebration when their loved one dies instead of a regular funeral. I feel a little mixed about that subject. I think its a wonderful thought indeed. They say that their loved one would have wanted them to celebrate instead of be sad. I can understand that to some degree, but I also think that it would be more appropriate to schedule a celebration at a little later date, perhaps. Maybe these people that do that were raised with that kind of tradition, which would be a different story, I guess.