How to Be More Assertive

Are you a pushover? Do you let people walk all over you and you don't stand up for yourself? How does that make you feel? Probably not very good.

You know that we teach others how to treat us, right?

By not standing up for yourself and letting others have their way, you're teaching them that your rights are not important. If this is you, you need to boost your power of assertiveness and to teach people how to treat you with respect.

If you are at the other end of spectrum and are acting aggressively, you are trying to manipulate others to get what you want. But, did you know that aggression actually decreases your chances of getting what you want, while being assertive increases your chances?

Assertiveness is a learned trait and anyone can learn to become more assertive in their daily lives.

Here's some definitions so we all know the differences:

Passiveness: Suppressing your true desires to get along with others while being inwardly resentful to other people (e.go. being a pushover or a doormat)

Assertiveness: Speaking up or standing up for yourself and your rights without diminishing someone else's rights (e.g. You - after boosting your assertiveness). Assertive people don't tread on the rights or feelings of others and there are no bad feelings in the encounter.

Aggressiveness: Acting or communicating in a uncivil or disrespectful manner while diminishing someone else's basic rights (e.g. being a bully). Aggressive people use anger, guilt, threats or reproach to manipulate others into getting what they want. People know when they are being manipulated and are often resentful and hostile to the aggressor.

Assertiveness is a positive thing! It does not mean that you are rude or overbearing or riding roughshod over anyone else. Quite the contrary. You are standing up for yourself while taking the other person's rights and feelings into consideration, too.

Why become assertive? Here are 10 reasons you need to learn to be assertive:

1. It increases your self-confidence and your integrity.

2. You start thinking of win-win, rather than win-lose.

3. Your communication skills with others will increase.

4. You feel good about yourself, even in those instances where you don't get what you want.

5. Your stress level decreases while you learn how to deal with daily irritations.

6. Others know where you stand when they deal with you.

7. You get more of what you want.

8. You have better relationships with the people in your life.

9. You can increase your leadership skills by learning to be assertive and not use aggression to get what you want.

10. When you stand up for yourself, you learn to stand up for the rights of others who can't stand up for themselves.

How can you boost your power of assertiveness?

First, know that being assertive is not dependent on your size, weight, gender, ethnic origin or religion.

Anyone can learn how to boost their assertiveness.

In order to be assertive, you have to know what you want and what's important to you.

Not every situation warrants being assertive. You need to recognize those situations that are important enough for you to assert your rights and let others know your feelings.

There's no use being assertive all day long on trivial matters! Pick your battles and stand up for yourself when you feel that one of your priorities in life requires it. If your coffee order got mixed up with another's, is that something you need to be assertive about? It does, if you value your morning coffee But, maybe it doesn't for the next person.

What if someone cut in front of you in line? Does that situation warrant you speaking up and calmly telling the person that you were next in line? Maybe they didn't notice the line and it was an honest mistake.

What about if you are being passed over for a promotion at work? How can you speak to your boss about your feelings on the situation? Are you going to speak up and have a discussion with your boss about the promotion or will you fume and get your resume updated.

Do you speak up when you go to the cashier to pay for your items and they are too busy talking to their friend on the phone? How long do you wait to be noticed? The assertive person would calmly get the attention of the cashier after a minute or two. Or you can walk out the door so that they lost your business.

Do you allow your spouse to pick the restaurant you're going to eat at or the movie you're going to see, every single time? If you have a preference for a particular food or genre, let them know. Don't be resentful and say "Oh, it doesn't matter" when it does matter to you!

What can you do today to boost your power of assertiveness?

You have to stand up for yourself and teach people how to treat you with respect. Being assertive and standing up for your rights, without diminishing any one else's rights, is one of the best ways you can teach people how to treat you.