How to Deal With People Who Complain All the Time

We have all met people who never seem happy and always have something to complain about. This can be very frustrating. However, largely, your frustration is because you don't know how to deal with people who complain all the time. To do that effectively, you are going to have to fight some of your natural instincts and react in a way you may not have tried before.

The very fact that you are recognizing that these people 'complain all the time': should be telling you something. What you have been saying to them in the past hasn't stopped them complaining.

It is time for a new approach.

First, recognize that serial complainers complained before they met you and they will probably go on complaining long into the future. However, you just might be able to help short-term or at least stop them complaining to you!

First, let's have a look at why the usual strategies you might have employed don't work and stop people who complain all the time.

What doesn't work

Trying to cheer them up just suggests to the complainer that you either don't take their complaints seriously; either that, or don't care about them.

Offering solutions is no good because the complainer has convinced him or herself that their problems are way too serious for you to be able to solve them so easily.

Complaining about them just makes you another one of the complainers and then nothing gets done.

Confronting the complainer usually drives them underground where they are more dangerous.

All of these are probably strategies that you have tried in the past with people who complain all the time.

So what does work?

Empathy! The serial complainer wants to be listened to, so listen to them. And then, if you can do so with a straight face and without sarcasm (which is important), say something along the lines of:
"That sounds just awful. I don't know how you put up with everything you have to deal with!"

Often, that will stop the complainer in their tracks and they back down, admitting that their problems aren't so big after all. However, you will have showed you care, and that is all that people who complain all the time really want: someone to care.

You don't have to agree that they have huge problems. You just need to recognize that, for the complainer, the problems are serious. Even if the complainer doesn't stop complaining long-term, you will have stopped the complaints to you spiralling out of control.

Remember not to offer solutions. That is not what they want and to offer them uninvited makes it sound like you think they are too stupid to find their own solution. That's where so many men fall foul of their womenfolk in arguments.

Empathy is what is really needed. Let the complainer know how it would make you feel if you had the same problems as them. Then ask them what they would like you to do. A solution is only a good one of it is acceptable to the person with the problem.

Asking what they want from you also helps them to feel empowered and people who are empowered complain less and take more positive action to solve their problems.

After you have done this, try to spend less time with the complainer in future. This is important in order to protect your own self esteem. Don't let people who complain all the time bring you down to their level of negativity and make you unhappy.

Lead by example and show he complainer how you deal with problems through positive action.

Knowing how to deal with people who complain all the time involves recognizing what they want from you. It may not be the solution to their problems that you initially believed they sought. Instead, give them empathy, let them talk and then lead by positive example to help them find their own way out of their complaints.

Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because it is available for a limited time only at: communication skills